Making Myself Ready…

What i love most about my relationship with Terrance is that we did not enter into this partnership with our blinders on. We knew it would be difficult. We knew that we would be frustrated sometimes, angry even. But what I knew to be true was that I didn’t want to be angry or frustrated with anyone else but him.

I am this often insecure and abstract thing, always internalizing my imperfections and allowing them to metastasize (I’ve been watching House M.D. on Netflix, lol) long before letting him know that I’m struggling. There is a slew of undoing that needs to be done… and it all won’t happen before October 12th. But it is the process of knowing that we as both imperfect individuals can find solace in sharing love and space… and that in and of itself is worth the act of exchanging vows to commit to a lifetime of undoing and doing.

Planning a wedding as a black girl in this world hasn’t been easy. I’ve felt guilty for it. All the while, and still while, injustices are happening all over this world I’ve been gearing myself up to be made pretty, and ogled over for one day. I’ve wanted to tweet and post to Facebook about all the custom made things I’ve crafted, the milestones we’ve made. the plans that have gone awry. And for the most part I’ve refrained. Because I have yet to grasp how to balance being an activist and negotiating that with being a bride. The blessing in that is that I’ll only be a bride for another month and a half.

This stems mostly from the idea that black girls like me don’t get to have “happily ever afters” and the fact that God has granted me permission to pursue my “ever after” makes me wonder why me? And everyone in my world says “Why not, Eris? You deserve this.” And that is a battle. Daily I have to remind myself that I am allowed to be loved. I am allowed to be beautiful. I am allowed to feel worth… and I am allowed to not be sorry about it.

What I know to be true is that there is no right or wrong answer when it comes to how to love… I am flexible, willing to bend, and ready to trust the process that is set before the both of us. Knowing that failure is not an option.

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